I was speaking with a friend recently about the strange times our generation has grown up in. He recollected that once an acquaintance asked him a question he’d never heard nor thought about before. He asked my friend if he ever wondered what it would be like to simply disappear – not die and go to Heaven or Hell, but to just vanish – because he did.
It’s a heartbreaking question, and it reflects the spirit of the times. Many people feel lost, hurt, and so disconnected from others that they don’t necessarily wish death, or self-harm, but instead to revert to the void – “the void from which the Creator had called him into this life”1 This isn’t new to our time, but it is prevalent in it, and affects both old and young alike. This despondent feeling has been especially exacerbated by the recent pandemic and all that has come with it.
People are isolated and looking for community. They have a spiritual vacancy in their heart, and they’re searching for meaning to fill it. Therefore, some delve into tantric yoga, practice the dark arts of Aleister Crowley, study the occult writings of Madame Blavatsky, join the Lodge of the Masons, or read the cards and the stars. Others pour their hearts into social and political activism, shunning the spiritual for what they perceive to be strictly material. Still others are paralyzed by a familiar feeling of numbness and have given up their search, digging their heels into the soft sand of Nihilism, hoping to disappear like the man mentioned above. Yet all are in search for the Personal Absolute, and we Orthodox Christians must always be prepared to give the reason for the hope we have, and to do so with gentleness and respect, as St. Peter says (1 Pet. 3:15).
What can we say to those broken hearted who turn to the Orthodox Christian and ask why God would summon them from nothingness? I think we can respond well with the words of St. Philaret of Moscow to the poet Alexander Pushkin: “Not in vain and not by chance was life granted me by God…”3 We can share what St. Sophrony said in We Shall See Him As He Is, “ ‘Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him’ [1 Cor. 2:9]. And there is no end to our wonderment before Him. Oh, how He knows man! Only the One Who created us could have such knowledge of the possibilities of our nature.”4 We point all those who ask of us to that One who created us, our God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Just as important as sharing the faith is to pray for the struggling questioner. We do our part of sharing the gospel, but it is God who works on the hearts of man. May God have mercy on us all.
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I wrote the above post in October of 2021. I wrote about the exchange because, although I didn’t tell my friend in that moment, I remembered how only a few years prior, I myself had similar feelings of not wanting to exist anymore.
I had just moved back to Ohio from sunny Southern California after a year of trying to make a dream work. I returned on a snowy February morning with nothing to look forward to, and problems that seemed insurmountable. I felt like the biggest failure in the world, and my pride wouldn’t let me stand up from it. For the next few months, my self-efficacy grew worse, and my mood became dark. If someone asked me how I was, I would laughingly say, “I just want to die,” or “Just waiting to die.” The other person would usually laugh, too, or at least pay me no mind. I didn’t truly want to die, but I didn’t want to live either. Things just didn’t get better. Until God woke me up.
One day, at the lowest point in what I was going through, I was fully stopped at a red light when I was rear-ended by another truck. The other driver didn’t slow down for the light because they were reaching down to grab their dropped phone. My truck was shoved out into the T-intersection, but thankfully it was residential. At first I had no idea what happened. I just kind of sat there with a ringing in my ears. Someone else yelled from their car window, breaking my daze, asking if I was alright. Only then I realize what had happened.
With a sharp pain in my neck, and a concussion I didn’t know I had until a week later, I stepped out of my vehicle to assess the damage. My truck bed was bent-in, and the front-end of the other truck was trashed. Both vehicles could still move, but it turned out that my frame cracked from the impact. The only thing that saved me from greater bodily harm was that I had forgotten to take off my ball hitch that morning. The accident happened in front of my old church, and as I passed the giant cross, I knew that I didn’t want to die.
That wasn’t my first or only brush with possible death or destruction, but this time was different. God often uses the lowest points of our lives to call us back to Him from whence we’ve scattered ourselves by our own will. They become transitions into the next chapter of our sojourn in this world. I knew God had protected me, but I could have gotten an answer to my wishes. I decided that death wasn’t something I would joke about any longer. I was grateful again for my life.
About a week later, the truck was finally towed to a shop. I found out I had a concussion, and was immediately ordered not to do anything but read books. That meant no screens, no alcohol, and no nicotine (another habit I was forming from stress and dejection). I lost my job, and the truck was in the shop for months as they begrudgingly fixed the frame. I was stuck soul-searching in my house, and again, I didn’t know what was going to happen next. I turned to God and He put things on my heart, though they would take time to unravel. Then, after months of uncertainty, I finally reached my next step. My truck was fixed and I got a job in the same week.
Some days I feel like my life only truly began when I was brought into the Orthodox Church, but then I’m reminded of all the ways that God guided me, protected me, and used me even as a Charismatic Evangelical. He just kept calling me deeper towards Him, and each little step I took towards His truth, He took a thousand more steps towards me. It took many years of His guidance, but no less, I finally found Truth, and got where He ordained me to be. Glory to God for all things.
Now, many years later, I am pursuing my bachelor’s degree in Psychology. I began my studies hoping that I could help other people who have also felt like they didn’t want to exist. I also wanted to help people who had worse problems than that. I was never suicidal, nor have I ever had thoughts or inclinations to hurt myself. Whether someone suffers from a depressive disorder, or suicidal ideation, I wanted to learn how to give hope and help. At the very least, I knew that I could pray for my patients whether they knew it or not. I still believe it is possible, but I’ve come to another realization about this vast field that has ostensibly replaced God in the realm of mental health.
I believe that clinical disorders can be helped through medication-based therapies; that different forms of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can work wonders for anyone in any situation. My first interest was in Psychodynamics. However, when it comes to this approach, there is a reason it has gone more or less out of fashion. It’s not simply because of its lack of empirical evidence, or how much it rests on the subjective interpretations of the therapist, as your everyday Psychology class will teach. But also because, to delve into oneself and “spy on oneself” as St. Sophrony put it, is not sufficient for healing. We cannot rely on medicine alone. Therapy, though a wonderful help for those who need it, can only take one so far.
A Psychoanalysts would open a patient up to their own soul. Introduce them to the inner workings of their psyche, and the patient found out who they really were inside. Some would relive things that they had forgotten, while others, who were originally okay, were pulled into madness, seeing how twisted they were just below the surface. There was no guide or guardian to help them understand the shattered nature of their being. They did not help the patient bare the weight of what was revealed. They merely opened a wound, and rejoiced at having found it. In short – they did not replace the hurt with God’s help.
The only source of healing is God, but He is not opposed to using doctors and medicine in His providence. We can be sure of this is by the many Unmercenary saints of the Church. The Wisdom of Sirach says to, “give doctors the honor they deserve, for the Lord gave them their work to do. Their skill came from the Most High, and kings reward them for it” (Sir. 38:1-2). I have been told that the best thing is for a patient to have their Therapist and their Priest work together in a patient’s life.
Today people are still isolated and looking for a community as they were in 2021. That vacancy is still glaring, and it’s something that isn’t just diagnosed, but rather needs healing. Community can be found in the Church. Healing is found through her Mysteries, by which God’s uncreated grace is administered, touching the points that no medicine could reach. We are healed by the very Body and Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ, Who said: “Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him (Jhn. 6:53-56).”
Where a psychological diagnosis has reared its head, God truly has the last say. God is the one who can truly ease our mind; collect our scattered thoughts. No matter what a Psychologist says, there is always hope, healing, and comfort in Christ. No matter what an MRI shows, no matter what’s revealed in a genetic sequencing, no matter what our parents or grandparents suffered from, or what we’ve previously struggled with, we are not beyond healing. Our Lord will never leave us alone to suffer, as He turns everything into good for those that love Him (Rom. 8:28).
Let us never forget how much our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ valued our lives, and what He did to heal our very nature. Namely that He took on flesh, trampled down death by death, and resurrected, setting the captives free and opening a pathway to heaven for us all. Let us turn to God with every hardship, both material and spiritual, allowing them to humble us. May we pray for our Therapists. May we pray for our Priests who confess us and shepherd our souls, knowing that they will give an account for us (Heb. 13:17). And as St. Cleopa of Romania would say, may Paradise consume you. Amen.
-R.P.D.Sanders
Resources
Prayer for Mental Health:
http://www.saintgregoryoutreach.org/2012/02/orthodox-prayer-for-mental-health.html
Canon to St. Dymphna in times of distress:
Prayer to St. Elijah:
https://www.orthodox.net/trebnic/to-elias.html
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline in Ohio:
https://mha.ohio.gov/get-help/crisis-systems/988-suicide-and-crisis-lifeline-in-ohio
Notes
- Archimandrite Sophrony (Sakharov), We Shall See Him as He Is, trans. Rosemary Edmunds (Platina, CA: St. Herman of Alaska Brotherhood, 2012), 30.
- http://logismoitouaaron.blogspot.com/2010/03/harp-of-seraphimst-philaret-pushkin.html
- Archimandrite Sophrony (Sakharov), We Shall See Him as He Is, trans. Rosemary Edmunds (Platina, CA: St. Herman of Alaska Brotherhood, 2012), 124.